And you bring me to my knees
All this time that i could beg you please
All the times that i felt insecure
And i leave my burdens at the door
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Inside youre ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All this time that I felt like this wont end
Was for you
And i taste what I could never have
It’s from you
All those times that I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And i waste more time than anyone
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times that I cried
All this wastin
It’s all inside
And i feel all this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend, And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Inside you’re ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

I am keeping my promise of regular updates. Yay! I have so much to say and very unsure if I should say any of it, but my promise to myself of being more honest motivates me to do it.
I heard a saying recently from a friend of mine… “I will be honest but I may not be open.” I think that’s going to be my theme today. While being honest with what I write I may not be entirely open with what I mean. It makes it easier for me that way.

My life has changed drastically in the last few weeks, months. I am no longer Mike’s partner, though we do “play” still. I think we both find it easier keeping that distance from each other. He is unable to give what I need and I am unable to not need it when we are in a relationship. Distance is good… I think. The problem is the more we distance ourselves the more we want what we can’t have, and the cycle starts again. While my inclination is to always follow my heart, it doesn’t mean that it’s good for me.

I don’t know what it is about me that always wants those that I can’t have, that chases the unattainable, the impossible dream. It would save me so much heart ache if I knew what was good for me. I have to wonder if that is one of the reasons I like and need to be controlled.

While in many circumstances I know what is good for me. I can live my life quite well on my own thank you very much. I don’t need any one to pay my bills, or to tell me what time to pee or kneel and praise the gods of the BDSM Society. But there is something missing. Something so intrinsically entwined into my soul that without it I feel lost, as though falling through a bottomless pit. I stumble through life feeling depressed, lost and a failure. Mike tells me that I am relationship dependant, but I disagree. It’s not the relationship I crave. It’s the control. To me control means you care, it means you are there with me. It means that I have permission to do things that would normally cripple me. Yet the control has to come from someone I respect. Someone that has that certain something that can never quite be defined.

If you don’t have “it” with me I am unlikely to listen or follow your instruction. I am unlikely to care enough. You would have to have tapped in to something so deep within me that all I can think of is pleasing you. That is very very rare with me. Sexual domination is one thing. To tap in to the very heart of my submission is another. Once there I will do anything, just because you want it. You will fill my every thought. I will constantly question everything I do. Will he want this, will he approve? Will this make him want me more? Will this make him happy?

That has nothing at all to do with love.

That reminds me of a couple of quotes by Anais Nin.

“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

Both of those quotes speak to the very essence of me. I want, no, NEED to be possessed. Maybe that’s why I seek owners, for it is those very relationships that have the promise of what could be and are the most seductive.

What is life if it is not filled with passion, or pain? I can’t remember the last time I felt utterly consumed by a man. When I think back to my first power exchange relationship, when I was 15, that has to be the closest that I have ever come; I didn’t know then what it was and neither, I am sure did he. He was younger than me by a year. Both of us were way too young to understanding the meaning of what we were doing or why, and yet that relationship is one that remains one of the closest to my heart. He is someone that I will always love and wish that I could have back. Realistically that will never happen, too much time has elapsed. But it is the closest I have ever come to feeling complete.

What Mike and I have had over the three years is based more on a raw need and for me to crave what he gives. Yet as people although we get on fine, we seem to rub each other up the wrong way. Both of us are emotionally unstable and together that can and has, lead to many a disaster. Neither of us are wrong in our needs, but as someone pointed out long ago, we just don’t fit the same pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Kink wise we fit… emotionally we don’t.

Yet it doesn’t stop me loving him. We have both said we will probably carry on until someone comes along that rocks our world enough to stop.

Others have tapped in to whatever it is that makes me want to throw myself at their feet and worship them. I say others loosely. This has nothing to do with anything specific they do. It can be something as simple as a feeling, a look, a word, an aura, the way they move or breathe. It has no defining point. It just is. It has nothing to do with looks for me.

And when it happens, therein lays my quandary. My instinct is to run. I will fight tooth and nail to stay but I don’t want to, I want to run away yet I also want to stay and play the game. This fight will be fought silently inside of me and I will have smatterings of depression and highs. I will want to have their attention and if I don’t get any I will want to disappear, yet again and again I will appear hoping they have noticed I am alive. I am good at hiding. I can disappear but my craving will be for them. Gradually I will wither up and cease to exist within myself.

Maybe I just “ feel “ too much.

My New Years resolution.. to update this site once a month.. If I fail, you may beat me.

I hope everyones New Year started with a bang! Mine hasnt yet but its still early days

You will notice that some posts are password protected. If you want the password email me, but be warned that some posts are for me only. If thats the case dont be offended if I dont provide you with the pass.

I will you all a happy and wonderful year.

I belong to a group of submissive women and tonight one asked what took away coffee smell from cum. * blank stare*

I have to admit that I have never ever heard of cum smelling of coffee. Mike drinks gallons of the stuff and rarely counteracts it with water or other beverages. Saying that though if your thinking of watersports do NOT eat asparagus!

Going back to coffee smelling cum they say to eat pinapple. Its sweet tasting and apparently it works. If you try it let me know.